I Stop Abandoning Myself

It goes without saying that as co-Narcs, we have a pattern of abandoning ourselves…

through most of our interactions with the N i.e. co-dependency dynamics and our role in it can be seen as abandoning oneself. One of the ways is that we try to fix, rescue, change and control the unfixable, rescue what cannot be rescued, change the unchangeable and control the uncontrollable.

We turn our attention, and energy to the N, what they have said, not said, done, not done and so on. The N has also abandoned themselves and given away their power by all the demands and addiction to others, attention, approval, N supply! This does not mean we have anything in common with them – just let the N be a mirror and realize that when you are feeling distressed, you need to return to yourself.

For example, if the N jealous? Does N try to control your behaviour through shaming, blaming, guilt-tripping you? That’s what Ns do. The rule of thumb is to stand by yourself and do not engage – no dysfunctional empathy, no explaining, justifying, apologizing…

What dysfunctional, self-abandoning beliefs, make the co-Narc engage, show empathy, explain, justify and apologize?

When I feel distressed due to dynamics with N, this is what brings me back to my superself:

1. I ask myself: “AM I abandoning myself here?” by trying to control and change the uncontrollable and unchangeable.

2. What am I trying to control that can’t be controlled?

3. What am I trying to change that can’t be changed?

4. I remind myself that setting and upholding boundaries is not trying to control the uncontrollable and not trying to change the unchangeable. Setting and upholding boundaries is me being true to myself as I stop abandoning myself.

5. I set boundaries that respect my rights, that control and change my patterns of self-sabotage and self-abandonment.  For example: I tell the N that I will not be part of his accusations, and attempts to make me feel shamed or guilty. I also tell the N that while he is raging and trying to control me, I cannot be part of such a conversation. I disengage from the co-dependent, self-destructive dynamic and RE-ENGAGE, and reconnect with my own power. This is self-control and making the changes in myself that need to be made.

I have come to realize that apologizing, justifying, explaining and trying to reassure the N when the N is trying to control and change me, is me abandoning myself.

Forgiveness and Gratitude

I have many functional forgiveness and gratitude practices. It is a mental inner dialogue that does not take away my personal power. Some of the phrases I use are:

• Please forgive me for expecting to fix you, control what cannot be controlled and change what cannot be changed.

• I forgive myself for expecting from someone else what they cannot give.

• I am sorry I abandoned myself in this way.

• Thank you for being a mirror.

• I return to myself and my personal power.

• I choose to take responsibility for myself and so I set and uphold boundaries.

• I disengage from interactions that cause me to abandon and disempower myself.

• I am grateful that I now know better.