The Permission Method

Many men and women with a Narc partner are very successful in their careers and otherwise. However, once in relationship with a Narc, one can experience blows to one’s sense of success. After a long and exhausting relationship with a Narc, one may also be experiencing such low self-esteem and such a sense of self-doubt that one withdraws permission to oneself to succeed. In my case, I often refuse myself permission to succeed because the Narc takes over the financial gains of successs. (but that is a whole other story – part of the solution has been to realize that the money is a separate issue and challenge).

Give Yourself Permission to Be Successful

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At some point you have to just say, “This is who I am.  This is what I’m going to do.  Starting… now.”

 “The difference between bliss and mediocrity is giving yourself permission.”

Once I made the commitment to go for what I really wanted in business, no matter how much “stuff” I had to move… everything became easier.  I discovered that there is actually a method to giving yourself permission.  And I share that here with you today…

The Permission Method                       

Step 1: Recognize that all the “yeah-but’s” aren’t really your own.

As human beings, we can’t help but “pick up stuff” from the people in our environment, especially as children.   Then the beliefs that are handed to us when we’re young end up running the show for years – rearing their heads as doubts, fears, and feelings of inadequacy every time we try to take a step forward.

Most people will never realize this is happening, let alone shift it.  But as entrepreneurs, moving through fear is not an option – it’s a requirement.

Here’s a simple way to get started.  The next time you feel doubt, fear or an inkling of “I can’t,” stop and examine the idea from a place of curiosity.  Is it truly yours?  Probably not. You can safely release it or give it back to whoever it came from.

Step 2: Surround yourself with support

One of the most vulnerable stories I share with my circle is that of my husband Leland calling me forward.  At a time when I was completely on my knees, he was the one person who said, “I will not stand for you holding yourself as anything less than the powerful woman you truly are.”  He could see my brilliance when I couldn’t see it for myself.

Without that reflection, I can honestly say that I’d probably still be in the same place.  And that’s why it’s SO important that you surround yourself with people who will SEE you.

Most women don’t have people in their day to day lives who truly see them and hold them accountable to their greatness.  But I promise you, there are people out there who WILL.  It’s your responsibility to find them, even when it means investing in yourself to do it.

Step 3: Create impeccable boundaries.

The flipside of receiving support is boundaries.  Surrounding yourself with amazing people also means limiting your exposure to negative, dream-stealing people and ideas.

No, this doesn’t mean you have to give up all of your friends – in fact, your growth can be a true gift to those you care about.  You can have compassion for those who are hurting, as negative people truly are. But you must take back your power by setting clear boundaries with the people who drag you down.  (This also goes for what media you allow into your field. Turning off the television is a great first step!)

Step 4: Put yourself in the game.

When the clutter of doubt, fear, and negativity is gone, what do you get to say YES to?

Hire the mentor.  Go to the event.  Reach out to that potential partner.  Throw the “rules” out the window and be yourself.  Say what you really mean without worrying what others will think.  When you’re feeling shaky, reach out to your support system.

Saying YES to your dream consistently is a practice, one that creates incredible momentum.  Small “yeses” count – celebrate them all!

Step 5: Allow for new money truths.

Imagine what the world would be like if all the spiritual people in the world truly gave themselves permission to receive money… and what amazing things we could do with it….

Try on these new belief systems and then make them your own by acting from that place… even if it feels “fake” or uncomfortable at first.

1. “Making great money is part of my spiritual path.”   It took me a little while to wrap my head around this one at first, but through experience, I fully began to understand its power.

Here’s the deal: in business, the money you make is a direct reflection of the value you provide to others. If helping lots of people through your business is a part of your spiritual path (and for most of us Divine Feminine business leaders, it is), it’s impossible to be fully activated, expressed and living that path and NOT make great money.

2. “I empower others by giving them the choice to invest in my services.”  Many women believe that they’re being generous or caring when they give away too much of their time, or when they give service away for free. But because people only value what they invest in, giving yourself away actually robs your clients of their choice to get the powerful transformation they want.

The act of investing will cause your client to step up into a more powerful, confident sense of themselves… and by not discounting, you stand in your power as well.

And remember, when you give yourself permission to experience an abundance of money flowing through your life while living true to your purpose and calling – you give others permission to experience the same!

When you start applying The Permission Method you’ll discover your energy shifting from a place of uncertainty, confusion or fear to a place of personal power – the best energy state from which to create and grow your business.

Whatever you want to create this year – whether it’s to double or triple your business, cut the time you work in half, treat yourself to a 2-week vacation, share the stage with big players, land your book deal – it is totally possible for you…. when you give yourself permission!

 

MY Notes

While this article focuses on business success, which is important too, I can see great value in applying the permission method to other areas of one’s life and looking at this strategy in a broader and more universal way. for example, point number five and be to allow for new truths regarding…… the possibilities are endless when you ask the question: Where can I allow for new truths?

I ask myself:

1. Where are there ‘yeah- buts’ in my head? Whose ‘year-buts’ are these? Narcs the the biggest ‘year-butters’. I have years worth of journal entries from the beginning of my marriage to a Narc. I had never come across this ‘yeah-but’ phenomena before. It took me a long time of journaling before I realized what was really getting under my skin. Anything and everything I said was always met with a ‘yeah-but’ and believe it or not, a pretentious ‘to the contrary’. This freakin narc even took on a fake lordy british accent when he “to the contrary’ me!
2. Who are the people who believe in me and my capacity?  – in a selfless or humane way! The Narc would tell me I was str0nger than I thought only when I was falling apart and he wanted something more from me. Who are the authentic, non-Narcs in your life.
3. Where can I set impeccable boundaries? Boundary setting is essential with the Narc, with ‘friends and family’ with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and just all kinds of takers! Cherish ‘me-time’ and learn to say no. Saying no is giving yourself permission to say ‘yes’ to you. Give yourself permission to say no and give yourself permission to say yes.
4. Take pen to paper. Write out a permission list or some permission slips. Here goes: I give myself permission to say YES to me by giving myself permission to do, say, be, have the following… 1 to 5
5. Where am I buying into, plugging into a belief system that is not my own? I give myself permission to unplug from destructive belief systems that do not support me. I give myself permission to embrace my own truths. I give myself permission to dispute this belief that does not support me. I give myself permission to have an original thought.

Ps. you can read the original blog “Doing Business Like A Goddess: Give Yourself Permission to Be Successful” by clicking here. Article by Elizabeth Purvis for Aspire Magazine

Shrinking The Inner Critic in Complex PTSD

As a coach for artists/creatives and dealing with my own personal trauma history, I have come to believe that the most powerful form of self-healing centers around inner-critic work. The main priority is to not only shrink/transform the inner critic but to also create a powerful and empowering connection with an inner self. I call this Super-Self and super-self-talk.

In my work with clients repetitively traumatized in childhood, I am continuously struck
by how frequently the various thought processes of the inner critic trigger them into
overwhelming emotional flashbacks. This is because the PTSD-derived inner critic weds
shame and self-hate about imperfection to fear of abandonment, and mercilessly drive the
psyche with the entwined serpents of perfectionism and endangerment.

Recovering individuals must learn to recognize, confront and disidentify from the many inner critic
processes that tumble them back in emotional time to the awful feelings of overwhelming
fear, self-hate, hopelessness and self-disgust that were part and parcel of their original
childhood abandonment. ~Pete Walker

Psychogenesis of the PTSD Critic

A flashback-inducing critic is typically spawned in a
danger-laden childhood home. When parents do not provide safe enough bonding and
attachment, the child flounders in abandonment fear and depression. Many children
appear to be hard-wired to adapt to this endangering abandonment with perfectionism.
This is true for both the passive abandonment of neglect and the active abandonment of
abuse. A prevailing climate of danger forces the maturing superego to cultivate the
various psychodynamics of perfectionism and endangerment listed at the end of this
article. When anxious perfectionist efforting, however, fails over and over to render the
parents safe and loving, the inner critic becomes increasingly hypervigilant and hostile in
its striving to ferret out the shortcomings that seemingly alienate the parents. Like the
soldier overlong in combat, PTSD sets in and locks the child into hypervigilance and
excessive sympathetic nervous system arousal. Desperate to relieve the anxiety and
depression of abandonment, the critic-driven child searches the present, and the future,
for all the ways he is too much or not enough. The child’s nascent ego finds no room to
develop and her identity virtually becomes the superego. In the process, the critic often
becomes virulent and eventually switches to the first person when goading the child: “I’m
such a loser. I’m so pathetic… bad… ugly…worthless…stupid…defective”. One of my
clients grief-fully remembered the constant refrains of his childhood: “If only I wasn’t so
needy and selfish…if only my freckles would fade…if only I could pitch a perfect
game…if only I could stop gagging on the canned peas during dinner…if only I could pray
all the time to get mom’s arthritis cured – then maybe she’d stop picking on me, and then
maybe dad would play catch with me”.

Thoughts As Triggers

In extremely rejecting families, the child eventually comes to
believe that even her normal needs, preferences, feelings and boundaries are dangerous
imperfections – justifiable reasons for punishment and/or abandonment.

In the worst case scenarios – where parents use children’s words as ammunition against them – the mere
impulse to speak sometimes triggers intense feelings of panic. How could anything the
child says not reveal his stupidity and worthlessness…not get him deeper into trouble and
rejection? As ongoing neglect and abuse repetitively strengthen the critic, even the most
innocuous, self-interested thought or musing can trigger a five alarm fire of intense
emotional flashback. To maintain the illusive hope of someday winning parental
approval, the child’s anxious striving escalates, and may even become a perfectionism
that is truly obsessive/compulsive.

More on Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the unparalleled defense for emotionally
abandoned children. The existential unattainability of perfection saves the child from giving up, unless or until, scant success forces him to retreat into the depression of a
dissociative disorder, or launches him hyperactively into an incipient conduct disorder.
Perfectionism also provides a sense of meaning and direction for the powerless and
unsupported child. In the guise of self-control, striving to be perfect offers a simulacrum
of a sense of control. Self-control is also safer to pursue because abandoning parents
typically reserve their severest punishment for children who are vocal about their
negligence.

As the quest for perfection fails over and over, and as sustaining attachment remains
elusive, imperfection becomes synonymous with shame and fear. Perceived imperfection
triggers fear of abandonment, which triggers self-hate for imperfection, which expands
abandonment into self-abandonment, which amps fear up even further, which in turn
intensifies self-disgust…on and on it goes in a downward spiral of fear and shame
encrusted abandonment. It can go on for hours and days…weeks in environmentally
exacerbating conditions…and for those with severe PTSD, can become their standard
mode of being.

More on Endangerment

The importance and magnitude of the critic’s endangerment
dynamic cannot be overstated. I have in fact worked with numerous “well-therapized”
individuals who were relatively free of perfectionism, but still seriously afflicted with the
drasticizing processes of the critic. Moreover, I have seen many individuals challenge and
eliminate most of the blatant perfectionist, self-attacking cognitions of the critic without
effectively addressing its habit of flooding the psyche with thoughts, images and feelings
of fear. I learned to disidentify from perfectionism long before I learned to stop
perseverating my critic’s harrowing snapshots of danger into feature long films about my
immanent demise into total abandonment, public humiliation, lethal illness, penniless
homelessness, etc. One of my clients eventually identified the critic’s endangerment
process as: “Critic as Horror Movie Producer”. I sometimes also think of it as: “Critic as
Terrorist”.

Using Anger to Shrink The Inner Critic

Traumatizing parents customarily use
intimidation and disgust to thwart the instinctive fight responses of their children.
Recovering the anger of the fight response is essential in healing Complex PTSD. I
routinely encourage clients to use their anger to stop the critic in its tracks, and to help
them move through the various self-attack dynamics that the critic uses to emotionally
enforce perfectionism. Invoking the fight response is an irreplaceable tool for thoughtstopping the critic’s outdated fear- and shame- based cognitions. Accordingly, I
encourage clients to use phrases like

“I’m not afraid of you anymore, mom and
dad…critic. I’m in an adult body now and I won’t let you hurt me”.

Additionally I share
Erik Eriksen’s emotional math:

“Shame is blame turned against the self”,

adding that it is
also the parent’s disgust turned into self-hate. Typically I embellish this with: “You can
externalize the anger of the critic’s self-blaming messages out and away from you onto
the installers of the critic, or sideways onto the critic itself.

You can give shame back by allowing yourself to feel disgusted at the image of your parent bullying you and overwhelming you with shame when you were so defenseless”.

An inner critic that has dominated since childhood, however, does not give up its
hegemony of the psyche easily. It obdurately refuses to accept the updated information
that adulthood now offers the possibility of increasing safety and healthy attachment. It is
as if the critic has worn a flashback-inducing groove in the brain the size of the Grand Canyon, and any of the thinking patterns listed below now hair-trigger an amygdala hijacking into abandonment fear and depression. The work of reminding clients that
progress in critic-shrinking is often infinitesimally slow and indiscernible at first and can
seem as interminable to the therapist as the client. The client’s addiction to only noticing
what is wrong and what is dangerous, like most addictions, requires lifelong
management. In the early work, I encourage the client to challenge the critic’s monocular
negative focus over and over with all the ferocity she can muster. Eventually I ask her if
she can find a part of herself that is mad about how grossly unfair her parents’ bullying
and indifference was.

Is there any part of her that is outraged that she was indoctrinated
and inculcated into self-abandonment and self-bullying when she was too young to
protest or even know what was happening to her? Is she willing now to gradually build
her ability to say “No!” and “Shut up!” whenever she catches the critic, the proxy of her
parent, attacking her?
With much encouragement and practice, the client gradually learns to reject her
conditioning to self-abuse and self-abandonment. Her sense of healthy self-protection
begins to emerge and over time grows into a fierce willingness to stop unfair criticism –
internal or external. Psychodynamically, this is part of the process of working through
repetition compulsion. It aids the client to repudiate the parents’ awful legacy of teaching
her that love means numbly accepting abuse and neglect.

Embracing the Critic

In my experience, until the fight response is substantially restored,
the average complex PTSD client benefits little from the more refined and rational
techniques of embracing, dialoguing with, and integrating the valuable parts of the
sufficiently shrunken critic – an important part of later recovery work well described in
the excellent books: Embracing The Inner Critic, by Stone and Stone and Soul Without
Shame, by Brown. Once again however, these left-brained, objective approaches are
often of very limited use until they are backed up by a subjective, right brain stance of
aggressive self-protection. Perhaps this is because the inner critic appears to align with
the extreme right brain dominance of flashbacks [as shown in MRI’s]; perhaps inner
critic processes are so emotionally charged and dominant that unremediated efforts to
resist them rationally and dispassionately fail effetely.

Thought substitution is another essential tool for empowering the work of thoughtstopping the critic. I sensed many years ago that my critic became as tough as a
bodybuilder’s bicep through myriad repetitions. I guessed that if I similarly exercised the
type of positive self-talk I describe below, I would create some new and more helpful
“muscle” that my thinking process would exercise automatically at times of being
triggered. I believe I am not exaggerating when I say that hundreds of thousands of
positive thought-substitution have rewarded me with a psyche that is fairly consistently
user-friendly.
Accordingly, I encourage clients to immediately confront the critic’s negative messages
and processes with positive ones, for even one such thought can act like a single virus
and rage infectiously out of control into a flu-like mélange of shame, fear and selfabandonment. Moving quickly into thought-stopping and -substitution often obviates a
headlong tumble into the downward spiral of a flashback, just as immediate prophylactic
measures can thwart the first hint of a cold. Additionally, I often ask the client to write
out a list of his positive qualities and accomplishments to recite when he finds himself
lost and drowning in self-hate. This is especially important as flashbacks often create a temporary amnesia about one’s essential worthiness and goodness. [Flashbacks seem to
involve a temporary loss of access to more current left-brain learning. MRI’s show
greatly reduced left brain activity in activated and unremediated PTSD individuals].
Memorizing the list enhances one’s capacity to dissolve that amnesia. Reciting part or all
of the list over and over like a mantra also helps during those times when the critic is
particularly severe and unsilenceable. If the client has little or nothing for the list, I
supplement it with my own observations about her qualities, and I also ask her to seek her
friends’ input. Additionally I remind her that qualities do not have to be perfect or everpresent to qualify as qualities. If it is true of them most of the time then, it is a quality.

Positive imaging is a powerful adjunct to thought-substitution. Clients can learn to shortcircuit the perfectionist and fear-mongering processes of the inner critic by invoking
images of past successes and accomplishments, as well as pictures of safe and loving
places and friends. The therapist can also use guided meditations to demonstrate and
reinforce the use of positive imagery-substitution.

Grieving helps shrink the critic

I repeatedly point out to clients how the work of grieving their childhood losses helps
them to release the painful feelings (especially fear, shame and depression) that fuel the
assaults of the critic. (This is step # 9 in the aforementioned “flashback management”
article. This article is an elaboration of Step #8). Over and over, I help the client notice
how the critic’s intensity typically ebbs dramatically following egosyntonic grieving.
With ongoing practice we also begin to notice the spontaneous self-compassion that can
come to arise in its place when the critic is not allowed to spoil it.

Here then is a list of 14 common inner critic attacks divided into the key categories of
perfectionism and endangerment. Each is paired with a healthier
(and typically more accurate) thought-substitution response.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

1. Perfectionism My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be
safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have
a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is
an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.
2. All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking I reject extreme or overgeneralized
descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative happenstance does not mean I am
stuck in a never-ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me as
“always” or “never” this or that, are typically grossly inaccurate.
3. Self-Hate, Self-Disgust & Toxic Shame I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a
good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust,
and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am
not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger,
sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to
completely eliminate the self-hate habit.
4. Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/Looping/Over-Futurizing I will not
repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will
not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past
mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go
wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough”, and I accept the existential fact that my
efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the
serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference” – The Serenity Prayer
5. Unfair/Devaluing Comparisons to others or to one’s most perfect moments. I refuse to
compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not compare “my insides to their outsides”. I
will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all the time. In a society that
pressure us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.
6. Guilt Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and
choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable
instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of
my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept
unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or
in danger”.
7. “Shoulding” I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this
imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical or moral obligation.
8. Overproductivity/Workaholism/Busyholism I am a human being not a human doing. I
will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when
I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I
subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.
9. Harsh Judgments of Self & Others/ Name-Calling I will not let the bullies and critics
of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or abuse
others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to them onto
myself or current people in my life.

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more
friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself”. – Jane Eyre

Endangerment Attacks

10. Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondriasizing I feel afraid but I am
not in danger. I am not “in trouble” with my parents. I will not blow things out of
proportion. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating.
No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks.
11. Negative focus I renounce over-noticing & dwelling on what might be wrong with me
or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice,
visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many
gifts Life offers me, e.g., friends, nature, music, film, food, beauty, color, pets, etc.
12. Time Urgency I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a
true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my daily activities at a relaxed pace.
13. Disabling Performance Anxiety I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I
will not accept unfair criticism or perfectionist expectations from anyone. Even when
afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions.
14. Perseverating About Being Attacked Unless there are clear signs of danger, I will
thought-stop my projection of past bully/critics onto others. The vast majority of my
fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection
if threatened by the few who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and
support.

Reblogged from Pete Walker’s website, click here

and for the pdf version, click here.

Financial Abuse

I know I can list literally hundreds of incidents of financial abuse from the last 15 years living with this Narc. And in fact, the daily lies about money, the small amounts disappearing, the having an overdraft on an overdraft and much more are daily incidents of psychic abuse – the not being able to go out even once a month for a cup of coffee, having to cancel my business website hosting and more can all be added to the list.

History or is it?

But I will not really go there today, though I know under the surface of me, there are countless unresolved and unforgiven incidents of financial abuse – the evidence of it all is around one on a daily basis, from the food one eats, to the act of brushing your teeth. One cannot focus on these things in a way that makes one feel unsafe or a victim. I am not materialistic by nature and so when I did earn lots of money, it didn’t occur to me to not put it into the joint bank account. I still do not have my own bank account and don’t think there is a point to it while still ‘married’ to the N. After all he can open his own accounts and incur his own debts and the law of this country means that half his debts are mine!

As much as I’d rather not, I know I have to isolate at least one incident and do some healing work on it today… and for the sake of my own well-being and recovery, I will.

The Trigger

What has triggered this feeling confused, overwhelmed and tired feeling? Today started like a normal day – I am a transformational writer and write daily, often for hours a day. I write blogs and short articles mainly but of course have also written several books.

My normal day turned into a good day and this is what triggered me. I woke up, did the practices I do and started writing. Following my heart’s call, I opened a word document and the title of a book came to me – based on the work I have been doing to heal myself from abuse suffered from being in a codependent relationship with a Narc. I started a facebook page called to correspond to this blog and currently the profile picture of both of these is a little graphic called “The Art of You”. This is a play on the words THE HEART OF YOU. I believe that in our efforts to deal with narcissism, we need to not just survive but thrive as well – this is the only way to not get lost in a victim archetype and this is where our strength and power and future lies – in embracing the art of you now in the present moment.

I started writing a book called “The Art of You”

So how can something so wonderful, so positive, so inspiring be a trigger? It was immediately so – I spent the morning writing, The Art of You, 7 Ways to Celebrate You. I created a format suitable for kindle publishing – the first time i will publish to kindle. I researched this a bit and even worked out chapter titles for the 9 to 10 chapters. I started outlining what each chapter would contain and even wrote out a full introduction! I felt elated and then… down. I suddenly realized that this will make money – who knows how much or how little – that is not entirely the point. The anxiety and panic comes from suddenly feeling threatened – because the Narc and I share a bank account, any monies literally will go straight to him.

Passion and Purpose

Over the years, I have regularly had this anxiety attack and it’s not even an irrational fear – he does steal money! He has taken money from both my children and in devious ways and he has repeatedly done the same to me. I am not writing to make money but it is demotivating to think that the money earned will be taken – financial abuse! Overall, I am intrinsically motivated so I write for the pleasure of writing, for the message to share, the expression of self, the development of self and mastery of skills, the self-discovery that comes with it and to know I can change lives and benefit others experiencing the challenges I experience. I want to make a difference and I am passionate about human potential! Living my purpose and my passion keeps me sane, keeps me well and is what we are all here for!

Restore to Restory

A first step to restore myself back to my center is to focus on my passion, my purpose and the gift of my daily work coming together in the form of a book with title and chapter heading already.

I then realize that with all the abuse, I have still, over the years, with restrictions that no one has, built at least 3 successful careers from scratch – painter (and my success story will beat that of most successful artists who had all the resources, schooling and supportive environment), creativity and transition coach and writer (I have authored 4 books in the 15 years in which I also became a successful painter and gallery owner and coach/workshop provider, mother, doing all my own housework and cooking, home schooling high school economics, etc. and the list goes on). I can’t believe how much I have accomplished, things that even ‘normal’ people would not be able to and in the way I have done so. This helps me pick myself up and revalue myself in these moments that I feel defeated and many of the false accusations of the Narc as to how I do nothing etc. come to the fore. In this time, I have upgraded my photoshop skills and gave lessons, I have attended a web development course (html and dreamweaver) for which I managed to get funding, I have learned and spoken French for 4 years, I taught myself painting studying painting books in a foreign language in a foreign country, while taking care of a new born and a 6 year old and so much more.

these are two of my practices that help me restore my energy and restory my life – because every moment of everyday, I am healing the past to restore myself and to tell a new story, a victor’s story.

A lot of my other practices are many that you have already encountered in the other blog posts. I have practices such as the miracle question, keeping a journal, forgiveness and gratitude practices (authentic ones different to common practice) and more – all of which I am writing about and sharing in The Art of You.

I Am Safe

The practice that has also helped me return to my center is reminding myself: right here, right now, I am not less safe than I was when I woke up and hadn’t started writing the book. I am safer than I was this morning in the sense that I am continuing to heal myself, to build my self-esteem, to build my sense of safety and to know that I am laying a foundation for my future – a means of income that suits someone living in a foreign country, travelling and who may encounter language problems in the normal labor market. I am cultivating a sense of safety by laying foundations – changing and transforming myself so that I am a less likely target of Narcissistic abuse, less likely to be taken advantage of, clearer in my sense of what I want and setting and upholding boundaries. Everyday, I am gaining more and more experience in standing up for myself and this can only benefit me and my children. I have a sense of progress of learning, expansion and growth.

Now that I have put my thoughts to paper, I feel better already. I just needed to realign my perspective. I know the work is not done. I also need to develop and implement a strategy to protect the money I will earn. In the meantime, I will not allow the past and the ‘threat’ to take away from the experience of writing!

The Work and EMDR

I think that The Work by Byron Katie (I mentioned it in the previous post) is a fantastic companion to EMDR. The Work helps you reprocess thoughts, feelings, experiences around any stressful event. It gives you the tools to dispute the beliefs that do not support you and helps you reach a turnaround i.e. a new perspective and new believes that revitalize and support you. The work does lessen and even clear suffering.

This is an excerpt from a blog post where Curt Rosengren interviews Byron Katie.

“The Work lets you see through any kind of stress. It shows you what true success is, at every moment in your life, and it even gives you specific directions on how to achieve it. These directions come from your own internal wisdom, no one else’s,”

she tells Rosengren.

Question the Beliefs that Cause Stress

The motivation, she says, comes not from adapting inspiring beliefs but by simply questioning the beliefs that cause stress, some of which are deeply ingrained, such as the idea “I can’t do it.” When a belief like this is examined closely, either alone or with the help of a facilitator, it can vanish like a dream, leaving a state of fearlessness — often in a short time, she says. Rosengren replies that he has used The Work and has been startled at how his perspective shifts.

“Let’s say I believe that I can’t do something that I want to do,” Katie explains, and then she gives examples of the toll on emotion, energy, and passion that this belief engenders, how it can spin itself into a personal religion of impotence. But when you question the truth of a thought, realize the cause-and-effect of believing it, and see who you would be without it, a new perspective unfolds.

Turnarounds

The final step in The Work is to experience the exact opposite of the belief. Katie calls this the turnaround, a word defined in the Oxford dictionary as “an abrupt or unexpected change, especially one that results in a more favorable situation.” She tells Rosengren that the turnaround is all of that and more. ”I turn the belief around to ‘I can do it,’ and then I find at least three genuine, specific examples of how that’s true in my life.” By noticing exactly how a particular thought controls your mind, seeing clearly what your life would look like if you didn’t believe that thought, and immersing yourself in the turnarounds, the truth of the situation is revealed where before there was only an assumption and a predicament.

“To accomplish the thing that you have a passion for, you continue to examine these debilitating thoughts and continue that, one thought at a time. The worst thing that can happen is that you fail, which puts you in the position you’re in right now. So you have nothing to lose. But what an exciting life in the meantime!”

Katie makes the case that The Work is simple. It has no requirements, just a pen, paper, and an open mind. Its four questions are: Is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true? How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? and Who would you be without the thought? But she emphasizes that simple is not effortless. “I don’t call it The Work for nothing. It takes stillness. It takes honesty,” she says. “Some people think that they don’t have time to get still, but that is just because they’re believing one more self-limiting thought. The ego gets to rule, and they’re stuck with the identity that they don’t have time for this. But however we think we can’t do it, however we think we’re failing, none of us are. We’re all doing the best we can. Of that I’m sure.”

When To Do The Work

The impetus for doing The Work can be a stressful emotion that acts as “a little temple bell that tells us it’s time to do The Work,” she says. Often the coping mechanism for discomfort and fear is distraction through changing activities or using whatever is available to smother uneasy feelings. “We try to override them. We deny them or bury them or shift what we’re doing, we reach for the cigarette or alcohol or sugar or credit card. But at some point, after a lot of suffering, I had to look at what created these feelings in the first place. Through inquiry I began to notice that nothing was holding me back, and, Curt, when I say that nothing was holding me back, I’m really serious. I would question anything that would hold me back, because to be held back from the world is separation, and the cause of separation can’t be anyone or anything else. I am always the cause of it. Nothing else is possible.”

Katie mentions that her methodology is offered on her website, thework.com, free of charge, and that she also offers public events and a nine-day school, a total immersion in The Work.

Happiness is Our Birthright

“Happiness is our birthright. And only what we are thinking and believing costs us our birthright. But when we question the stressful thoughts, everything changes. ‘I can’t do it.’ Turn it around. ‘I can do it.’ This is not just a sunny positive affirmation. The four questions educate you to your own suffering. The examples for the turnaround ground in the actual situation of your life. So you can test it, and for all of you who have been afraid to accomplish that thing you have passion for, you continue to find those examples, one at a time.”

Rosengren asks Katie what is her passion. She says it is working with people who have suffered from limiting beliefs and witnessing them grow beyond their suffering, sometimes in a matter of minutes. “What excites me is not having one fearful thought about what I love. And we can have that in any occupation we choose.“

“We have no idea of the paradise we live in, the paradise we miss until our minds are clear enough to notice it,” Katie says. “The end of suffering is what excites me.”

Read the original article here…

The Tapping Solution

This is an excerpt from an interview with Jessica Ortner. The book, the Tapping Solution is written by Nick Ortner. I have been practicing tapping for more than 6 years now to cope with PTSD and incidents that trigger me. I also use tapping to change my beliefs and to enhance good experiences.

I find that tapping fits in perfectly with EMDR (see earlier blog) and this is something one can do confidently on one’s own. The tapping part, from my experience and reading, gives the same effect as the eye movement or tonal part of EMDR – which by the way uses tapping of the knee and other such accompany-ments.

There are lots of free resources online with the tapping points and scripts. My favorites include the work by Patricia Carrington (The Choices Method) and Brad Yates.

I’ll teach you about EFT and exactly how to do it for the best results.

What is EFT? EFT stands for emotional freedom techniques. It’s s specific
algorithm within meridian tapping where you tap on nine acupressure points.
When we focus on what is bothering us while we begin to tap on these
acupressure points, you will find that you can have the same thought but without
having the physical anxiety. This allows us to easily let go of that negative
thought and bring in something more empowering.

How does this technique actually work?

Recent research has begun to explain
what happens in the brain when we tap. When we are feeling stressed, it is
because at some level we feel threatened. When we feel threatened or in danger,
the part of the brain called the amygdala begins to fire off and we go into what’s
called Fight or Flight Mode. In an instant our body reacts to a threat by increasing
our heart rate, pumping adrenaline through our body, our muscles tense up;
basically it goes into overdrive to be ready for a fight. This is powerful if we need
to fight off danger but incredibly taxing on the body.

The problem that we face is that in this modern day, our amygdale cannot tell the
difference between a real threat or a perceived one so getting that bad phone call
from your boss can create the same physical response our ancestors had when
faced with a lion.

Tapping on these end points of the meridian sends a calming response to the body
and the amygdala recognizes that it’s safe. What’s especially interesting is that
doing the tapping while imaging or discussing a stressful event counteracts that
stress and reprograms the response to it.
Here is the bottom line. You just need to try this and experience it for yourself.
What is so great is that it’s easy to learn and once you learn this technique you
always have it as a resource for when you are feeling stressed or dealing with a
pain.
To get a visual of where the tapping points are, you can see the graph on this CD
or watch the short video at thetappingsolution.com/howtotap. Because the
meridian lines are symmetrical on either side of your body, it doesn’t matter
which side of the body you tap on or with which hand you choose to tap. Some people even prefer tapping on both sides of the body. Do whatever feels best for you.

Let me begin by describing where the tapping points are. The first point is the
karate chop point. It’s located under your pinky on the soft part of the outside of
your hand.
The next point is the eyebrow point. This is the inside corner of your eyebrow
socket right where the hair of your eyebrow begins.
Then the side of the eye; you can follow the eyebrow bone until you are at the
side of the eye. It’s not on the temple; it’s actually on the bone.
Then continue following that bone until you are tapping underneath your eye,
then underneath your nose between your nose and lip.
The next point is the chin which is not on your chin but really on your crease
between your lip and your chin.
Then the collar bone point. Use your entire hand and tap on your chest where a
man’s bowtie would lie.
Then underneath the arm; ladies, this one is easy for us. You can find it right
where your bra strap lies under your armpit. Gentlemen, you can measure it
because it’s about a hand width from your armpit.
Then we end at the top of the head.
Now that you are familiar with the tapping points, let me break down the very
simple process. Begin by giving your feeling, whether it’s physical or emotional,
a number. So if you’re tapping on a physical symptom, ask yourself, “On a scale
of one to ten, how painful is it, ten being very painful, one you barely feel it.”
When measuring emotions, you can ask yourself, “How angry do I feel on a scale
of one to ten?” Or when addressing limiting beliefs you can say, “I’m not smart
enough to get this job. On a scale of one to ten, how true does that feel?”

This is called getting a SUDS level or a subjective units of distress.

The reason
this is important is because it helps you gage your progress. What often happens
is that people clear the feeling so fast that they actually forget how they felt before
because they get so disconnected from the old feeling. Without measuring they
don’t realize how significant the change was.
Even if you find with each round you only go down one point, that is still
significant because by measuring your SUDS with each new round, you can
watch as the issue disappears.
Once you get your SUDS level, you begin to tap on the side of the hand while you
say what is called the set up statement. The set up statement goes, “Even though I
have this problems,” and then you state the problems. So, “Even though I have
this headache,” “Even though I feel stressed over this presentation,” “Even though
I’m angry at my boss, I accept myself.”

Whatever you Resist, Persists

There are different variations to this. Some people say, “I love and accept myself,”
or “I accept myself and how I feel.” This is when some people have hesitation.
They think it’s a bit strange to say and they feel resistant at the thought of
accepting themselves because they fear that accepting themselves means they
accept their current situation so nothing will change, yet it’s our inability to accept
ourselves that keeps us stuck. It’s the fighting against it that keeps it in place. You
may have heard the saying, “Whatever you resist persists.” When we accept
ourselves, even with our problems, we will find that problem no longer has
control over us. The struggle ends and we can move forward. This set up
statement allows you to be honest with yourself. You target what is really
bothering you and it sets you up for the entire process.
So you tap on the karate chop point and repeat the set up statement three times.
Then you proceed tapping on the other points while simply saying how you feel.
This is the fun part. Your allow yourself to just be honest with how you feel. Just
state how you feel. It’s not really about using the perfect words. It’s about saying
the words that bring up the emotion and energy that you want to clear.
If you are struggling with what to say, simply pretend that you’re speaking to your
best friend and allow yourself to complain about the problem. Just give a voice to
that tape that seems to be running in your head on repeat anyway.

After going through the points, also called doing a round, take a deep breath and
take a measure of how you feel. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes the intensity
does go up. This just means that you are really getting to the root of the problem
and doing it right so stick with the tapping.
A common occurrence is that when people begin to tap they connect with their
emotions at a deeper level and they discover that what they thought was the
problem, really wasn’t the problem. For example, you might be really angry at a
coworker and as you begin to tap you realize that that coworker is bothering you
because they’re running a pattern that reminds you of your ex-boyfriend or exgirlfriend or mother, and as you begin to tap you begin to connect with a past memory. When that happens, it’s important to trust your thoughts. It took you
there for a reason and begin tapping on that past experience. What people so
oftentimes find is that when they tap on a past hurt or a past resentment and they
clear that, the issue that is happening in their current life is no longer an issue.
They feel calm about it and they can be very resourceful and find a solution.
So this is why during the tapping process I have you say what is really bothering
me because if we can connect to a past experience or get really clear on the
challenge, you’re going to get the best results with tapping.
Sometimes people are resistant to saying negative statements when they tap
especially if they’ve studied the Law of Attraction which states that whatever you
think or feel comes back to you so if you’re negative, you’ll encounter more
negativity in your life or if you’re positive, more positive things will happen.
They fear that by saying these negative statements, they’ll attract more negativity.
But you are already feeling these feelings. By finally giving them a voice, you are
bringing up that energy in your body and clearing it instead of stuffing it down
and having them subconsciously run you. As I tap on the negative rounds, we say
those statements to clear them.

Tapping brings your energy back to balance so negative emotions can’t stay there.

Your natural balance state is one of happiness and joy. You were born with the
natural ability to feel joy. Once you address how you feel and clear the tension
and stress, then you have room to begin tapping on how you’d rather feel instead.

Imagine your mind is like a garden. You can’t plant flowers if the garden is full of
weeds. You need to first address those weeds. Pull them out and then you have
room to plan what you’d rather have instead. Too often people begin to plant
flowers or say positive affirmations before weeding or addressing what is really
bothering them. Just as in a garden the weeds will grow back and choke out the
new flowers if they aren’t cleared at the root. Those old patterns will resurface
and undo the positive affirmations if they aren’t released.

Once you feel better, you can move onto the following track that incorporates positive affirmations.

If you still are feeling stressed or begin to uncover a bigger
challenge, you can stop the recording and continue tapping as you focus on your
specific challenge. The more specific you get, the better. Again, it’s not about the
fancy tapping scripts but about giving a voice to your stress while you tap and
letting it go. Then you have room to bring in what you choose to feel instead.
I hope that this CD brings you so much joy. Please stay connected with me and
let me know about your experience. I love answering questions. You can find me
at facebook.com/followingjessicaortner or on Twitter @jessicaortner.
I am wishing you the very best. Enjoy the process.

You can find this original article, click here. (Again, the book is called The Tapping Solution and is by Nick Ortner who annually offers an incredible free summit called The Tapping Solution Summit (I hope I got that right)

I Love and Accept Myself

I have found it useful to tap in one simple phrase like: “I love and accept myself”. Tapping this into my body, I can work through any resistance I have to this phrase/statement of truth. I even go on a walking meditation where walking is my tapping as I work the feeling of this belief and truth into my body.

Notes:

My personal experience is that even if I am going for EMDR, the best way to prepare so I can get the most out of it, is to learn tapping. It has been a real eye opener studying how my beliefs impact my health. So all the brainwashed negative cognitions I have developed as a result of living with N, is killing me, causing all kinds of serious health problems – studying how it affects cortisol and my immune system makes me want to make a difference in my own life. I am learning how insulin levels and so much more is affected by beliefs _ It’s called the biology of belief.

Did you know that 5 minutes of feeling under attack by a N or 5 minutes of reliving with full trauma an adverse experience with N, compromises your immune system for 5 hours thereafter.

Self-Disclosure and Over-Disclosure

Reading around the N and co-Narc relationship, I have noticed the themes of disclosure come up repeatedly… especially as something that co-Narcs do and that makes them susceptible to N-abuse.

Children’s Rights & Secrets

I was raised one of 5 children, we were 8 people in all living in a bachelor’s apartment in South Africa. My NMother had converted to Islam but had been a devout Christian raised by nuns. My Moslem NFather in particular, I saw as a hypocrite. When you live that tightly, I suppose there are different ideas of boundaries and then I think in my case, I noticed that one respected space by not asking questions. One looked the other way, or turned away when noticing parents lie to keep up appearances. I learned to respect people’s space. But I suspect, I am convinced that as children we had no rights and we were not allowed any secrets.

My family had countless secrets and these we had to guard closely. The abuse was the biggest one though we were made to think at the same time that it was normal and everyone’s experience. I lived in a neighborhood where many kids were beaten, some kids saw their single mothers offering services to strange men, there were gangsters smoking dope – carrying knives and regularly being chased by police.

No Questions

It was also during apartheid South Africa, so one had no rights, government “officials” in khaki uniforms raided our homes regularly, and it was better you did not read the newspaper and you were not to discuss politics. All in all, all areas of my life had a no go zone, no questions – for your own protection. The less you knew the better. My father died with many family secrets, at the end of his cancer, he lost his voice – very convenient. We knew nothing about my grandmother’s youth, she married a British Admiral who died in a war. She had no pictures as when she was mourning, her father got so angry, he tore everything up. My grandmother was Zulu (gogo is the word for grandma in zulu). We weren’t allowed to call her that when she visited – because of apartheid. There is truth to the British Admiral story because we had all the expensive dinner services, sideboards with secret draws and much more. His name changed in my gogo’s tales so we were denied the chance to look him up. My mother seems to have been the only child though stories vary.

My father’s mother died at birth. He was raised by aunts. My father was Indian, don’t know from where in India and when his family settled in South Africa. We weren’t allowed to speak to my grandfather (the Moslem one) when he visited – this was rare that he visited as he disowned my father for marrying a non-Moslem.

No Secrets

In a family with no secret policy, I even caught my mother looking through the bathroom keyhole while my brother was in there. For a family where everything was a secret, we were taught to cover for my parents, to back up their stories through being seen and not heard. We had no personal space, were not allowed an opinion and had to do as we were told. I see now how a co-Narc becomes the co-conspirator of the N, how a N can use a co-Narc to collaborate through association, the lies and to keep the abuse secret.

We had to reveal all to show we had nothing to hide

I see how growing up in my family and also at school, you had to be an open book – revealing all to show your innocence and that you were hiding nothing. This was partly so others do not see you as a threat. N for one need you to reveal all, hide nothing and this is their power over you – to such an extent that your conscience kills you when you have the smallest secret that is actually a non-secret. The guilt when one has not told everything. I learned to put all my cards on the table. But it is exactly this trait that makes us susceptible to abuse and puts our lives in danger (we are easy targets for criminals and perverts). We tell too much of ourselves and we over-keep secrets of abuse. We protect our abusers by revealing nothing about them.

I remember having weeks of angst the first time I planned to get information about our bank account without N knowing – the first time in 15 years. I talked myself in and out of it, and was in agonizing guilt. That was only 3 months ago.

Over-Disclosure

I still find myself revealing too much about myself, coming clean, giving details about myself and family, where I live and the like as a way to build rapport, connect and even support the other person in the stories they are telling and struggling with. I am being too helpful and compassionate. I am learning to tell less, reveal less of what I am doing. Sharing my recovery with N ‘friends’, I find that I become open to their N abuse. I am learning what to tell and how to tell it. In my coaching practice or even regarding my art, other’s see my vulnerability and weakness, those who want to steal my ideas and want free coaching… they ask casually regarding this that and the other. I see what they are up to and hold back. You see the surprise on their faces – they thought I was a sucker and I admit, I give that impression because that is the way I have been up to now.

I love seeing the taken back look of shock on people’s faces when I behave differently to what all my other signals and weaknesses are telling them that I am. As I am changing, this is happening more and more often.

You will be amazed how many people do not want to see you pick yourself up and get a life. Even non’Narc’s feel threatened – is this because they have to disclose to themselves that they are wasting their lives? Because, after all, if someone like me, in the situation I am in, can start thinking and planning and putting the pieces together – it doesn’t make them look good for procrastinating when they have lived abuse-free lives and have ample resources and support.

What About This Revelation

This blog to me is a revelation – a journey into self-disclosure. I am disclosing parts of my life, truths, pain, suffering, misunderstandings – revealing it all to myself first so I can reclaim my power and begin healing. It is also a coming out with a secret about the abuse – so a full disclosure about what has happened to me. Keeping this secret has caused me harm and no good.

I am fighting the demons of brainwashed beliefs in seeing the unseeable, thinking the unthinkable and saying the unsayable.

I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to see the unseeable, think the unthinkable and say the unsayable – and in so doing I retrieve my soul bit by bit, revelation by revelation.  I am disclosing the truth fully and clearly to myself first, thus self-disclosure. I am learning to not over-disclose with others, especially strangers but am still working out how much is appropriate sharing.

It’s hard to know because most people have the opposite problem – they are trapped because they refuse to be vulnerable – so they suffer, are lonely and feel disconnected from under disclosure.

Immune to Criticism

Reblogged from Tara Sophia Mohr, Wise Living

Recently, I was being interviewed, and the interviewer asked me this:

Why do women have such a difficult time with criticism?”

There’s a hint of a blaming tone in the question, so first things first, let’s set that aside. But then, can we look with curiosity* at why criticism – or the fear of criticism – seems to hold back so many brilliant women?

In the interview, I shared my usual responses about how women are distinctly affected by criticism:

1. Many women value and are deeply attuned to relational harmony and connection, so criticism feels particularly troubling to them. If your life is centered on positive connection and finding common ground with others, criticism hits you differently.

2. Women have been socialized – whether by family, peers, school, or the general culture – to not rock the boat. To be likable and always nice. Doing things that bring criticism is the opposite of that! It challenges our deeply ingrained conditioning. Being criticized also puts us in a tough spot because it’s difficult to stand up for one’s own ideas in the face of criticism, while also maintaining the respectful “nice girl” persona the whole time.

3. Third, research* suggests that women read facial expressions and negative body language with greater precision than men, which means at all times women are literally getting more information about how people are reacting to us. This can be a strategic advantage, but it can also distract us from persevering with a project or idea when others are uncomfortable, resistant, or just not fans.

In the interview, I gave those answers, but then I realized I felt like I hadn’t gotten to the heart of the matter yet.

There was something else there, something I don’t normally talk about, and I wanted to try. So I said this:

“On an even deeper level, my sense is that women cope with living in a highly patriarchal world by trying to find safety and legitimacy through their own competence, through doing everything right.

Criticism can feel like a gash in the middle of something very important we are building – something that will shelter us and keep us safe.”

I know that’s been true for me. Let competence and hard work and doing what the teacher says be my ticket in. Let it be my island of safety too.

I’m feeling my way through this idea. What is that thing we are doing? That I am doing?

It feels to me like always being in scurrying mode, always hiding a little like it’s duck and cover time, and hiding by studying super hard, working super hard, getting it right. Doing it right. Producing work of the highest quality. Yes, because we are smart and competent and we can but also: to be safe. To be on solid ground.

And my sense is that this behavior in me and in other women around me has something to do with trying to find refuge, legitimacy, that ticket in – in a world that has been shaped by a masculine perspective and values.

I want to know how this resonates for you, even if you, like me, don’t quite have a clean or crisp way of articulating what exactly is going on there yet.

Thank you for reading and being on this journey with me.

Love to you,

Tara

My Notes:

• While this is true for most women, it’s even more true for women and I think even male partners of narcissists. I do not know too much about male co-narcissists but do wonder about this. To all the men who are finding value in this blog, I would love to hear what your experiences are.
• I personally have found great learning, growth and expansion of my awareness of my own power from shifting my perspective in ways that no longer are shaken by criticism from anyone.
• I am doing incredible ‘inner critic’ work and it is certainly an investment that brings great healing and emotional freedom.
• The socialization, learning, and brainwashing process can be retrained and rehabilitated.
• There are certain beliefs that give our power away to the inner and other critics. The inner critic is internalized narcissists, psychopaths and other such gremlins. You have in your misguided sense of duty allowed them to live rent-free in your inner world. Give them the boot!… in the nicest and most authentic way possible. It’s not like we are talking exorcism, it’s just a simple transformation of beliefs that limit us and block our growth and ability to contribute to the world.
• I have started valuing inner harmony and connection first and foremost.
• My favorite game is to dispute the criticism by asking “20 questions” of it.
• I had this habit of taking everything, well criticisms and N discrediting my integrity personally. I am learning and with remarkable success not to take things personally – this includes opinions, judgments, insults, whatever – even if they are meant to be a personal attack.
• In other blog posts, I wish to share my insights about approval seeking, asking permission, being perfect, pleasing others, and so much more that is relevant to this topic.
• *My motto is curiosity not judgment, though I don’t waste my curiosity on the N.
• I don’t search for or pursue validation from others.
• I am also learning to focus on progress not perfection.

This article could very well read:” Why do Co-Narcissists have such a hard time with Criticism?”

To read more, visit Tara’s blog here…